Embracing and understanding wholeness

Todays share is a tiny view into the world according to Madhu. I have read many texts and studied different types of healing and spirituality and have therefore come up with my own understandings of how I work, how a realisation feels for me and the meaning that I give to my experiences and adventures. I share this with you , trusting that if something resonates for you you can try it on and see in what capacity it may or may not be resourceful in your life. If it doesn’t resonate with you then I trust you can respect me for being in the arena and contributing to a world that is shifting in leaps and bounds from fear to Love


The darkness, my own darkness has been something that has frightened me over the years, however through the experience of swinging anxiety and depression, from an early age, I have had no choice but to go there and look at my shadow self.

You see, my number one strength is a love of learning, which of course brings a burning curiosity, this is great, when Im being uniquely me, open and light. When I get carried away with having to find the right answer then it develops into distraction, procrastination, perfectionism, anxiety and depression. This is when curiosity is not helpful or resourceful for me, and my shadow cane begin to become all encompassing.

Curiosity in its conscious expression has an inquiry feeling to it, a connection to all things around it and a genuine impulse of wonder, awe and amazement. Curiosity is an open state of acceptance, of all that is and all that could be, right in this very moment.

I have not felt the crazy fluctuations of anxiety and depression for quite some time now, in fact only the other day I thought “mmmmmmm. Ive been in such a great place, still with challenges, and I’ve handled so much of what has come my way with more responsibility and commitment than ever before.”

Go Gerllll

As I reflect writing now, the awareness of this in this present time was maybe a preparation for me of what was to come. My core, essential self saying “ok, lets test that”

Through a series of unfortunate events I found myself yesterday in that place of depression. I knew depression was not what it was, I wasn’t about to roll over and repeat old beliefs.

Wind back the clock to the day before, to my trigger point.

First I felt this wild raging anger because my perception was that an opportunity had been taken from me and my world tipped upside down. This was a Mother Earth trigger. 7.6 on the richter! I felt the rage that came along with my sudden lack of self worth, self love and feeling lack to my core. . The rage was so intense I dared not unleash it completely. Right place , right time and without fury. I told myself. I felt myself inwardly having tanties like I was a 2 year old in the lollie aisle at the supermarket. That evening I laughed with my children, but I was smouldering on the inside. I took it to bed with me.

When I woke up I my body refused to get out of bed. I felt the heaviness, fogginess, the tamas of full blown depression.

I knew that’s not what it was.

So after being kind to myself for an hour feeling my feelings and trying so hard to find even ground with my feelings, an inner bucket to empty, any relief, I could not find the answer. Duty called so I got out of bed for others. Thank God for my children.

I had a coaching session, booked for that morning. ( I just love how the universe conspires for my benefit. ) I came in swinging, the outcome desired, to get to the bottom of this malaise and off load it. Didn’t take long until we found the bottom of the barrel, until I found the gold that was sitting at the bottom and brought it up to the surface. Tears, cleansing tears, consciousness around the defining moment and how this kept playing out in my life. This is usually where the realisation is for me, not today

I was still stuck. There was more to explore . As I write I can feel and see that this was a long and difficult labour. I have given birth4 times and to myself many, this is another one of those moments.

The time came and I got the chance to say my piece. This is a practice for me, The practice is not having to have what I’m saying accepted in order for me to feel good.

Still stuck

Once i put a meal on the table, that after one bite I apologised to my children, who were very small at the time, for making such a flavourless dinner. My wise old son of 14 years said “ That’s ok mum, there’s just no love in it” This is the path I was on, so we went out for dinner.

My gorgeous children embraced me and accepted that i was feeling, all feelings welcome, and we had a lovely dinner together. Still no internal shift. I felt so heavy and tired, all I could do was have a shower and go to bed when we arrived home.

1.30 am BING my eyes opened. I called upon Breath, music, angels, Arch Angels, planets, guides. There was loads of tossing and turning as well. Sleep would not fall upon me.

I held my hand on my heart and the other on my solar plexus and kept reminding myself to care for me and know that rest is just as good as sleep.

I know from being a yoga student and Yoga educator how yoga, mindfulness and meditation works. Bringing you into rest or the parasympathetic nervous system, settles you for sleep. My experience is, it can be really tough to stay in care and love for self when the mind is next level agitated and the mind is quick to deduce “this is fucked and its not going to work” I kept coming back, I kept persisting, I kept being kind. I kept resting.

3.30 am

A thought bubble came and exploded 6 golden words into my head.

This is not who you are

What a shift, what a realisation, In that moment everything changed. Like I’d been turned off and booted back up again.

This is not who I am

This shift instantly brought my true self back into the picture. I am darkness and light, I am whole not one sided. I am light, curious, willing to take a risk, resilient, I have a full range of emotion, I am warm, loving, spontaneous, playful and optimistic. I am uniquely me. I am safe and unsafe all at the same time.

When I feel this way, dense, heavy and ineffective. I am not being me. This is not who I am!

My darkness, density, heaviness is how I’ve been experiencing my shadow self, my instinctive self that sits close to Gaia and her animal kingdom that, I can call upon in a dangerous situation. Survival mode kicking into over drive, protecting myself and my tribe from those that I perceive want to hurt and take us over, control us and take away our freedoms or rights or, back in the day, to eat us. I have spent a lot of my life here, especially as a child. This warrior is there to protect me at all costs and will take on what ever form she needs to in order to protect me or my tribe from being hurt. For me, I see this as a dragon energy Some others may see this as a warrior energy of some sort.

Life has always been and will always be so precious. It’s worth fighting for. In our modern times there’s much cooler and more conscious ways to do that.

We have all been hurt, traumatised, hard done by, some so much worse than I can even imagine. I’m so sorry for all of us that we have to experience the suffering. I don’t believe this is the objective of life. This is however a part of the human condition, suffering, and we have learned to protect and move away from these so called unwanted feelings. I do believe however that this is where the healing starts.

In yogic terms consciousness is the light. The light of the higher mind that connects us to everything and everybody. When the dragon is present in me consciousness is cheering for me in the background. Waiting to play the roll of re-harnessing the dragon and bringing it back to its intended roll of the keeper of my the gate, to give me power and strength in my daily life. My empowerment, passion, drive, force, impact……….not to burn down Kings landing like Daenerys Targaryen. This takes Pratyahara, withdrawing of the senses, and Dharana ,concentration or one pointed focus on the outcome you really want.

This seeming darkness, this power that we can harness has been burned at the stake and shamed for centuries. This force lies in the first 3 recognised energy centres of the body. The first 3 chakra.

When this energy is fresh and vital it gives us stability strength, security, good health, action, the ability to feel the rainbow of feelings available to us. To have what we want and want what we have.

This is also the home of the subconscious and unconscious mind. When we have limiting beliefs and boundary conditionings that are no longer serving us, they cloud this energy creating filters that we then use to perceive our situation. We see life through these filters rather than what is truly happening in that moment.

In yogic philosophy this is called Avidya. This is the first cause of suffering, that the other 4 are born from. This creates the energy of protection, the lower self or little I that then hides us away and keeps us safe………This is what we want to believe but it is complete and utter bullshit, as this will eventually turn on us and destroy us. This stifles all of those beautiful traits that are our birthright.

As Australians we no longer have the same kind of fears that we see in history. We have come along way on the fear to love scale and are now moving towards a time where the balance of fear and love can tilt, like a 90 degree angle tilt, towards love and away from fear. This will take consciousness and effort of every one of us

I have now had the experience that I am not my emotion, I am not my thoughts, I am not my physical body. I am the observer, having this beautiful, amazing, delicious, gorgeous, loving experience of life. My senses, mind, breath and temple (body) are the vehicle of which I use for this amazing adventure.

Now I have an experience of

This is not who I am,

I can’t remember going off to sleep.. When I woke up I felt so different, upright, ready to serve. Ready to be authentic. Different in my own skin. Something was released, broken open, gained, realised.

As I taught my early morning yoga class I truly understood that if you stand facing the light your shadow will always be behind you.

I honour my shadow self that brings me to wholeness. I am grateful for the power she yields and nurture and love her as she propels me forward from behind.

When I face my eclipsing shadow again, I will confidently remind myself that this is not who I am, watch in wonder to see what happens and be open to “who I choose to be”